Hi guys! Please note this blog post has been published a few weeks later than I intended as hubby spent a little while in hospital, thankfully he is home on the mend now.
Next month I’ll be speaking to an amazing group of women & sharing my story. The story of how I came to start up my store. If you've been following my socials you’ll know by now that I am incredibly nervous. To stand up in front of a group & speak about my personal struggles. To share for the first time open & honestly my hard times, the emotional toll it took on me & my family at the time. It's all pretty daunting.
Part of the nerves are coming from a fear. Fear that I'll tell my story & it’ll be so average. Because to be honest I feel completely average. Just a normal Mum who had a bad run. We all have our stories & it scares the hell out of me to open up about mine.
As I'm typing away now it's 10pm on a Friday night. I had the house to myself & spent the night relaxing. (Pizza, wine & Netflix). But it is just so damn quiet here I took out my phone to look at photos of my babies, who I haven’t seen for all of 5 hours.
I scrolled back to this time last year when we were celebrating my girls 5th birthday. It was my first function post hysterectomy and I can see the strain on my face in photos. I kept flicking through photos, back to October 2018 when I became unwell. There is a photo of me in hospital & I’m hiding my face. I felt so embarrassed & upset with the way it looked.
Looking through more photos to the end of October when I threw my son an Incredibles birthday party at a play centre. I look awful in the photos. The eye droop is very obvious & I don't look well at all.
More scrolling to November 2018, the month we baptised our baby Stevie.
This day I don't look too bad but I remember it well. The anxiety leading up to the big day, hoping & praying I wouldn't be having a bad day or worse be in hospital needing IV med.
It’s very emotional looking at those photos. I can see the pain in my face & I feel it. It comes flooding back.
But then I look again & ignore my face. I see my beautiful family & my 3 babes. They are so lucky & happy. Surrounded by family & making special memories
I love those kids so much & those photos show it. While I was feeling so unwell I still managed to give 2 babes a special birthday celebration & baby Stevie a beautiful baptism.
Next I come to December & I remember feeling terrible that day. The eye droop is bad which means the rest of my symptoms would have been. Oct-Dec 2018 I had a massive headache every day that would not ease.
Christmas day I pushed myself through. A busy day at my Mum’s for lunch then a late night at hubby’s Aunty’s for dinner. After dinner I felt terrible so I came home by myself & left my crew at the party. It was sad. So sad to leave my family & come home alone sick on Christmas night.
I scroll back to Christmas day again. 3 Happy babes! Their little faces, pure joy!
Far out I mustered all of my strength & literally gave all I had at the time for my babies.
It took a toll & it was bloody hard. But I was so motivated by love.
During those months when I was unwell I cried so many times to my mum.
"I’m a shit mum" I cried into her shoulder one day. "I can’t even look after my own kids" (I’m typing & wiping away tears cause when I revisit these memories I’m right back there) We were standing in the toy room & I had just received my lumbar puncture results. My mum grabbed me by my shoulders & said to me "You are not a shit mum. Don’t you dare even think that".
I didn’t want to hear it at the time, so i didn’t listen to her. But now when I look at these photos I can see it, my love & devotion to my babies.
It was a really shitty time for me. But I wasn’t a shit mum. Still not. I was doing the best I could for my family & at the time that had to be enough.
We’re coming to the end of crazy, busy birthday month here for my family. Soon we’re throwing my girl a rainbow 6th. birthday party.
A few weeks later I’ll be hosting an event, a ladies night to celebrate women in business. Details can be found on my socials if you’re interested.
If you’re in Melbourne I’d love to see you there! Anytime I’ve been lucky enough to meet some of you guys in person it’s always been amazing & I really enjoy connecting & chatting face to face.
I’m excited about my next blog where I will share with you how things went at ladies night. It’s been an incredible lead up & I’m looking forward to sharing the experience with you all next time.
Thank you, so so much for your ongoing support & kindness you always show me.
You know that I love to hear from you! Especially when you’re sharing photos so please reach out anytime via my socials or email firstname.lastname@example.org